empty but the rest is still unwritten..

the drama never stopped..it has been an exhilarating ride over the past two weeks..

i have been staying up late to study for the series of exams..last week, we had our comprehensive exams which covered all we had learned since first year..i thought, how the hell am i supposed to study all that?!i doubt if i can pull it off. it was the super full blast of third year study time..i have been up until two in the morning for the whole week..i can hardly believe i did it.. I DID IT! it was tiring but it was worth it..too bad i watched too much TV at that time..i haven’t studied much but it was ok..at times,i feel just a bit bad since i’m such a lazy bum and i don’t study as much as others do but i can still pull it off and get higher than them…i got high in 2 subjects..i even bet my friends that i won’t comb my hair if i can’t get 90 or above in one subject…luckily,i got 91!i was too close to getting uglier! (haha!)

this week, we had our final exams..it was also tough but i guess, prayers saved me..i got good results..however, one thing left my whole dreams,well, shattered; gone with the wind..actually,only one quiz did it, one freakin’ quiz, one tough, freakin’ quiz, one stupid, tough, freakin’ quiz, ONE WHATEVER-YOU-CALL-IT QUIZ!

im furious..its amazing how one single quiz can change everything…i got a whooping 60 in that particular quiz and it pulled my grade down..how the heck am i going to pass that whatever-u- call-it (aaargh) quiz if the instruction says that u have to select all that apply and if your answer is wrong, or lacking or exceeds, you don’t get a point..i only got 5 out of 25 items..that’s a 60..so that’s it..that made me fail my Pharmacology… i was so happy that i passed the midterms..but because of that quiz,i did not make it to the cut off in the finals..i did not even think that i could pass the final exams then..but i got 85, so that only shows that if they would drop that quiz, i could pass…i could pass with a grade that would still qualify me for the honors list,hopefully…see, i haven’t had a grade below 86 since my first year…and you have to get a grade of 85 and above to be qualified for cum laude…this nearly made my world fall into crumbs, or worst, dust; almost nothing. i found this out the day before the last day of the exams and i can hardly concentrate that night when i was studying for the next day..i can’t believe this is happening. this could not be happening, i thought..i’m like going into the stages of grieving and right now,im in the stage of denial with a dash of anger…WHY NOW?! WHY?! WHY?! why now when i am this close to getting it? why me? what’s in it for me? LORD,HELP ME SEE THE MEANING OF THIS. i don’t get it. this is like my whole motivation to keep going.. so now,what’s left of me? somebody give me a very convincing reason for me to get over this. because i don’t think i can do it very soon. it will take time, a long one maybe… i feel fine if i’m in school or chatting with my friends about this..i don’t even think this is a big situation. however,by the time that i get home and i’m in touch with my self and when i reflect on this, i realized how i mixed-up i got. its not OK. its just NOT. all i ever have to do is study. i never have to cook for myself, do chores or do my laundry or watch my siblings. i only have to study. and i can’t do it well enough. i’m such a schmuck! you think you know,but you have no idea..you have no idea how this thing can get into people’s nerves and unleash intrusive thoughts and paranoia in them. luckily, i passed NCM and pathophysiology..i feel so ambivalent..its fine but its not…it’s ok since i only have to repeat only one subject,unlike the others. now,i’m sour graping!gosh, this is pulling my hair out!! i hope this would be the last devastating thing left in my academic life..i just can’t take another one. im just thankful to have friends to talk to. they are probably the closest to understand my drama and sentiments. currently,im listening to india arie’s just another day and natasha bedingfield’s unwritten. these two songs are just so powerful that it could still push you to go on inspite all the negativities.

just for today, i’m not gonna worry what tomorrow may bring. i put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward and let God do the rest.

we could feel so empty now but the rest is still unwritten..

whew! i don’t know what i’m going to be if writing never existed!

march 23, 2007