A Cacophony of Nothingness

I can barely believe that it had been one whole year that I am a nurse, a professional bum for that matter. Last July 24 marked 365 days of unemployment and career misdirection. Yes, I had made a few bucks with my online shop but nothing close to having a career with my license on hand and at stake.

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Though I am currently pursuing Graduate Studies, I am still constantly bumped by the questions, "Now what?", "What happens next?", "Is this all you can do for a productive time?" Yes, I am a full time student. I usually spend my weekdays finishing paper works due on weekends. But that was last semester. This time, I am quite relaxed with requirements. My current subjects does not require endless paperworks yet. This time, we are more on lectures and paperworks will come towards the end of the semester. The big shebang would be my research proposal for my thesis, which I haven't had a final thought of. I am currently on the pursuit of my 33rd unit. The Masters program has 46 units. That means, I have to finish 2 subjects in the second semester, take my comprehensive examinations possibly in the summer then finish my thesis by October next year. Well, on the optimist point of view, it will be just 1 year more for me to get the coveted MAN degree. But come to think of it. It will be another 365 days of unemployment and bumness.

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You may say that getting a job is the solution to this bumness. But you see, a job as a nurse is not the easiest thing. It's much more easier to pass the boards than to look for a job. Plus, if I stop being full time in my masters, when will I graduate? Let alone another semester? So as much as I also wanted to be one of those hospital nurses, I think I have to be realistic enough and focus in my direction. Although, at times, I can't really help but refer to myself as unproductive. Getting up in the morning late enough not to have breakfast, Plurking, Tweeting, chatting and doing some homeworks. That's my typical day lately.

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I really wanted to do more. But I don't want to make the same mistake again of rushing into things and falling short of a flop. I've learned a lesson early on and have come to realize and accept the consequences. This is where career misdirection # 1 took place. Original Plan: Apply, Review and Take NCLEX.... Evilness: long story..refer to previous blog entry .... Rebound Plan: Take up Masters. Until now, I have not applied for NCLEX. I have placed it low on my to-do list. After all, America is just there; just there preparing herself again, building up bucks, getting ready for me.. (bwahahaha!)

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Lately, my book whore soul has been awakened. Buying books really comfort me. I don't know but maybe this is my subconscious taking her throne. This career stressor has been bugging me and maybe I do need comfort. And what better way to ease it that buying books. I told myself that I won't buy again for this year since there are a lot of titles waiting for me to be read. It looks like I hoard books now rather than collecting them. I just bought 2 titles this week and I may buy another one, or two soon. Hay life! It's really a dog-eat-dog out there! Maybe I just really need a breather even if my life seems a breeze now. Hanging in the air can also be tiring. Thoughts bug your head.

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So this is my life in a year, darlings... Not as productive as others but I can be contented. Though I can't deny that I don't have to rush work since this household's daily needs is sustained, I still want my own career path. I still want my own success. Oh well, one step at a time, right? I always say, I have to finish my Master's Degree so I'll just go straight. Anyway, once I have it, it would be like my all seasons VIP pass to employment. So, let's just wait and see. No rushing.

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Right now, I am a research assistant (career misdirection #2..hahahaha!)... At least it's an additional compensation for me. I see it as my practice job..hehe! Giving your all, satisfying people... and all that jazz!

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Yes, the future is super scary for me but I'm definitely looking forward to it! Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll be blogging about my ramblings and complaints on how tasky thesis writing is. Because hopefully, it just means I can finish and graduate in October 2010.

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P.S. Congratulations to the Angeli Illuminati Christi for having a 100% passing rate in the June 2009 Exams! The results were released on July 25, exactly 1 year and 1 day after we got ours.

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Love and Bliss Frecklesnoots!

distorted.

• A couple of weeks ago, i had some trouble with my NCLEX application. I was ready, in fact more than ready to send it. My mind, body and soul was conditioned to apply for Califonia NCLEX. I addressed the envelope, sealed and labeled it. I was supposed to give it to Nong Don's sister at her clinic together with Nang Maane's forms. Nong Don was supposed to mail our forms there in California. However, some crap came up. (This is not the way I imagined how i'll blog these photos.)

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• I was supposed to send our forms that afternoon but I feel lazy so I decided to give it the next day. A night before I plan to send the forms, I got a ring from Papa. Apparently, he was having dinner with his lawyer-recruiter-California based-vacationing friend. He said that you need to have a US Social Security Number in order to get your California license activated. If you can't do that in three years, your license will be canceled and you will have to repeat the whole nine yards all over again.

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• I felt my mind congest at that very moment. I need to go to the States in three years to get that SS number thingy. The question is, can I?! I have no assurance. My tourist visa has bid me bye bye since March 2008. He was suggesting Vermont or New Mexico while I was trying to organize my thoughts. What am I going to do?! What am I going to say to Nang Maane? to Nong Don? I was one heck of a confused chicken!

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• That night, I was browsing through the net regarding those States. But I was determined to get those forms sent the next day. What I was planning was, getting up late after the parents went to work (just to avoid THE talk which will confuse me a lot!) then sending the forms to the clinic and come back before lunch time. Talk about ambush! haha! But I was not able to avoid the talk..hehe..But I decided to give our application forms anyway. But when I got to the clinic, it was closed! Darn it! I thought of going to a nearby mall and pass time 'till 11 am but as I walked, I decided that I'll just come home and return that afternoon.

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• By lunch time, Papa SMS'd me that I should forgo my application and not send it. WHAT?! That was easy for him. I was telling him alibis because I just don't want hassles! I've paid for my school documents and half of the mailing fee together with Nang Maane. If it's only me that is concerned, it's really ok. But I'm also looking out for others.

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• I was getting texts from him to forgo it rather than face much hassle later. Honestly, I was very annoyed. I don't know if its just me being stubborn or it's just my mood that day. Of all things, I really don't want anybody to mess up my plans most especially if i have completely conditioned every fiber of my being. I have thought about that application for a long time. I have had mental rundowns of what i will do from application, to time of review, to taking the test. If I forgo this application, all of those conditioning would explode into dusts.

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• That afternoon, I was very, very confused. Papa went home and we talked THE talk. I completely understand the hassle. What holds me back is the fact that I have conditioned and prepared myself for this step. Now what?! Not to mention, Nang Maane, Nong Don and indirectly his sister and my school documents will be affected if i forgo. Nong Don was calling the BON the day before his exams. I feel kinda bad, though I know its echos aside, since he could use up that time to prepare and not think of this crap that i initiated!

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• But then, maybe its just wise to just let it go. The disadvantage column is longer than the advantage column in the weigh list this time. It's amazing how one single conversation with someone can change everything. I am not blaming anyone nor the lawyer-recruiter-California based-vacationing friend. I am just pissed with the situation. I am someone who banks on conditioning more than anything to be prepared for anything! And it would also take time for me to let go. (But i'm sure after this entry, it's over...and it's not a hypergraphia thing.)

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• I don't know if i'm just really stubborn to change or I just want to do something on my own and show it to the world and be proud of it. Then maybe, I'm just some "minor" who still needs assistance and guidance. oooh! I hate growing up! There are a lot of decisions to be done and they are to be done fast! I can't do fast! I need time to condition. I tend to take things slow. I don't wanna rush these BIG things. As much as I wanna make things conform with my own time and plans, I guess time was not at my hands that time. And maybe, this is not just the time. The initial plan was the three of us together; Jelai, Nang Maane and moi. Jelai backed out since she hasn't passed the boards yet and application is possible but quite a hassle. Another is I just can't give the forms to Nong Don's sister readily. There has been just a lot of delays- my laziness, closed clinic in the morning and another closed clinic one afternoon. It's just the many wonders of life. Life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.It gets you when you are most vulnerable! It gets you when you least expect it. And when it does, I feel like i transform into this gaga monster! Harsh and dysfunctional!

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• Or maybe then, this is karma. I've been bad, for lack of a better term, lately. And I haven't maintained much faith as what it was when I took the boards last year. Maybe this is just another blow. Whatever this is, it made me feel distorted! I feel like I need to take a grasp of things but I can't hold on to anything. It's not that they are going away or won't come to me, but I can't just reach them. I feel them staring at me and just waiting, waiting for me to grasp them and place them in my plans again.

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• That afternoon, I told Nong Don that I'm gonna withdraw my application and send only Nang Maane's. He gave me options but what can I do? That's the order of the man of the house and I was also with him. I was sad and frustrated. I thought this is the end of being a bum. But again, I was wrong! This is the start of bumming up Chapter 2! Right now, I couldn't decide what to do. It's either Vermont or New Mexico. But I haven't taken a step. I haven't even took the seal of my application envelope and pull out the cheque!

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• That night, I went to Kai's house. The royalties were there and we had a "problem conference". Royalties can be problematic too, yah know! So we talked there. It feels so good to take my mind off my own problem and just be a friend for a while. I didn't mind Papa's additional texts about Vermont infos. I cannot take just more that afternoon! THE talk is enough. I understand. Just give me time to breathe.

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• Gosh! Enough of this transitions and coming of ages! I cannot believe I'm saying this, this soon but...being a student is better!!! huhuhu... When will life ever answer my questions?! Sometimes, when i vent out my gibberish trash, i need more than empathetic sighs! I need direct answers and directions, for crying out loud! But I guess I have to figure it out myself, huh?! Life...tsk! Moments like these make me turn on my power song, Just For Today by India Arie. It's the only song that can remind me to calm down.

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• How i wish life is measured by the cornucopia of thoughts and feelings when i get to watch One Tree Hill on TV Tuesdays, the insights that I get from the Tyra Show, the relaxation that i get from listening to old songs and watching my movie downloads, my every hearty laugh, smile or giggle on DH chats, the excitement of online shopping or the joy of having to read another book. Right there and then, I can say that I am living the most fulfilling life!

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• In shorter terms, if life is being a bum, i'm doing far better than great!

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• love and bliss frecklesnoots!

Listening to : Sailing By Christopher Cross

that DARN mailman!

• i received my fingerprint cards for my NCLEX application today..but the shitty mailman is so STUPID AND BIRD-BRAINED AND DUMB, he folded the darn envelope and stuck it in the smallest of our mailbox!!!!!

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• the envelope clearly said "DO NOT BEND" in bold black letters..it's not my fault he is so dumb that he went blind!!!! aaahhh...it irks me so much that people can play dumb and dumberer!!!! shitheads! ugh!

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• teh anhon ko pa to?! ipakaon sa iya?! gwapo ya eh!!

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• i don't know if he's born stupid or just playing stupid..either way, i hate him..no, i loathe him! i am so infuriated!!!!

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• lucky him, he just dropped the envelope in the mailbox and did not ring the doorbell..i did not get so see his dumb face..or else...

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• can this get any shittier?! uugghh!!! my already delayed application will be all the more DELAYED!! i am doing a daily rundown of my mental schedule for finishing both my application and grad school assignments for next week even if my brain is running SLOW and now, that DARN and PLAIN STUPID mailman ruined everything!!!!! ugh! shitheads! (pardon the vulgarity..i'm just so pissed!)

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• if only one person was spared from stupidity..then maybe..just maybe..my envelope was not bent!

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• i have this occasional pet peeve about creases and folds on documents and for him to fold what is not supposed to be folded made me furious!

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• this made me think of placing a sign in our mailbox to use the damn doorbell if they would deliver large envelopes...(kinanglan pa ni bala kun alam ka?! hay naku!)

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• my day was supposed to be started right..i made a payment to my supplier for the order of my buyer as well as paying for my own ordered books (which is expected to arrive tomorrow! hoping they will calm me down..) i also sang along to air supply songs as i watched boy and kris. i'm loving air supply more! then came lunch time when i saw the envelope! it was icky to handle! yukot gid sya ya!!!!

• i just diverted my attention in whipping up a strawberry RED dessert placed in a RED rubber pan..but after that, i'm angry again..until now..and it's 9:56 PM...it's not my fault he's too stupid to care and too dumb to read!!

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• look at my tired eyes..just finished working on some assignments...and i just noticed i'm wearing red..made me smile but didn't made me calm..the dessert tastes good by the way! tastes like strawberry ice cream sandwiched by graham crackers..

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• (sorry for the languages used..i'm just vexed by the darn mailman..and i'm not over acting.)

plain dumb NOTHING.

• i have been a bore for the past months since i was declared a "professional". I am not even fit to be called one since i don't function as one at all. Nothing's been going on except for the ramblings of my troubled mind,the hullabaloos of my online shop and what's going on between Lucas Scott, Peyton Sawyer, Serena-Dan and the Chuck-Blair thingy every TV tuesdays. (btw, i declared every tuesday as TV tuesdays since i watch my fave shows, shows that feed my mind and soul, every tuesdays.)

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• Back to the point (of no return), everybody seems so busy and eager to get their careers to a jump start; reviewing for international exams, going to job fairs and even applying for a job at a couple of hospitals. It sometimes frustrates me how indecisive i am when it comes to these things. Until this day, i don't have a clear timetable of what should i do. This is bad. Considering the fate of nurses nowadays, i consider myself last in line, a slow put; a lazy bum! I should have taken steps to get my lazy butt up to practice what i call my "profession" ages ago. I don't know what holds me back so much. But definitely one of the reasons is that i don't have a buddy to hold on to as i take these necessary steps. what if i had bad balance after all? i am afraid to fall down, most of all, i'm afraid to fall on my own.

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• At times, i get really sad when no one updates me with what's up and about. at times, i feel like people don't even care that i am also needing infos. yes, no one's closer to me than queencie alone among the june takers and she's gone to Med school. maybe this is why i am the last to know. (why do "people always leave"? grr! peyton help me.) i don't blame them for anything. of course you would tend to stick on your own cliques first before going out of the bubble. sometimes, i also tend to do so. it's just depressing that i am alone now.

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• i really don't know what to do. people keep on asking me what i do or what plans i have. i just tend to smile and say that i will review for nclex. but i'm not really sure when. i have not even applied for eligibility yet. and at times, i refuse to open the site of the california board of nursing.and until now, i haven't opened it yet. this takes me back to the summer of 2004 wherein i haven't decided what to take up in college until the month of may. i used to fake sleep just to get out of bed late and eat my meals earlier than everybody so that i can avoid "the talk". it's not that i don't want this to happen. maybe i'm still waiting for me to be ready; to be ready to finally face what it takes to grow up. Growing up sucks! and most of all, i want a buddy. i always pray that the Lord will help me take the right path and make right decisions and i believe he is leading me through it. i just need to embrace His will fully.

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• the november takers are about to take their boards in two weeks time. hopefully, jelai would want to accompany me in my plans if they are through. i am rooting for that hope left. that could be my only hope since kai plans to take up dentistry and chessa wants to work first. i on the other hand want to take all exams first before proceeding to work. that is my only plan now.

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• for the meantime, i am waiting for december 24 and 25 to finish my iv therapy completion requirements. i'm sure i'll be blogging about this unique christmas! i also enrolled myself in graduate school for a master's degree together with ralp, jelai and stephen.

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• i am never really good with short term goals. i always see myself in the far distant future. i want to work in california, but i don't know where to start. i do all this inquiry to those who have applied for eligibility but i end up doing nothing. No application, no review. I even have no school documents on hand since my thesis was stuck with my research adviser. she is on leave. i didn't even know if she really got it since i just asked the girls to give it to her. all i need is her signature for approval. aarrgh! this is so i-dont-know-what-to-call-so-i-just-scream!

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• As of the moment, this is it. plain dumb nothingness.