distorted.

• A couple of weeks ago, i had some trouble with my NCLEX application. I was ready, in fact more than ready to send it. My mind, body and soul was conditioned to apply for Califonia NCLEX. I addressed the envelope, sealed and labeled it. I was supposed to give it to Nong Don's sister at her clinic together with Nang Maane's forms. Nong Don was supposed to mail our forms there in California. However, some crap came up. (This is not the way I imagined how i'll blog these photos.)

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• I was supposed to send our forms that afternoon but I feel lazy so I decided to give it the next day. A night before I plan to send the forms, I got a ring from Papa. Apparently, he was having dinner with his lawyer-recruiter-California based-vacationing friend. He said that you need to have a US Social Security Number in order to get your California license activated. If you can't do that in three years, your license will be canceled and you will have to repeat the whole nine yards all over again.

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• I felt my mind congest at that very moment. I need to go to the States in three years to get that SS number thingy. The question is, can I?! I have no assurance. My tourist visa has bid me bye bye since March 2008. He was suggesting Vermont or New Mexico while I was trying to organize my thoughts. What am I going to do?! What am I going to say to Nang Maane? to Nong Don? I was one heck of a confused chicken!

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• That night, I was browsing through the net regarding those States. But I was determined to get those forms sent the next day. What I was planning was, getting up late after the parents went to work (just to avoid THE talk which will confuse me a lot!) then sending the forms to the clinic and come back before lunch time. Talk about ambush! haha! But I was not able to avoid the talk..hehe..But I decided to give our application forms anyway. But when I got to the clinic, it was closed! Darn it! I thought of going to a nearby mall and pass time 'till 11 am but as I walked, I decided that I'll just come home and return that afternoon.

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• By lunch time, Papa SMS'd me that I should forgo my application and not send it. WHAT?! That was easy for him. I was telling him alibis because I just don't want hassles! I've paid for my school documents and half of the mailing fee together with Nang Maane. If it's only me that is concerned, it's really ok. But I'm also looking out for others.

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• I was getting texts from him to forgo it rather than face much hassle later. Honestly, I was very annoyed. I don't know if its just me being stubborn or it's just my mood that day. Of all things, I really don't want anybody to mess up my plans most especially if i have completely conditioned every fiber of my being. I have thought about that application for a long time. I have had mental rundowns of what i will do from application, to time of review, to taking the test. If I forgo this application, all of those conditioning would explode into dusts.

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• That afternoon, I was very, very confused. Papa went home and we talked THE talk. I completely understand the hassle. What holds me back is the fact that I have conditioned and prepared myself for this step. Now what?! Not to mention, Nang Maane, Nong Don and indirectly his sister and my school documents will be affected if i forgo. Nong Don was calling the BON the day before his exams. I feel kinda bad, though I know its echos aside, since he could use up that time to prepare and not think of this crap that i initiated!

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• But then, maybe its just wise to just let it go. The disadvantage column is longer than the advantage column in the weigh list this time. It's amazing how one single conversation with someone can change everything. I am not blaming anyone nor the lawyer-recruiter-California based-vacationing friend. I am just pissed with the situation. I am someone who banks on conditioning more than anything to be prepared for anything! And it would also take time for me to let go. (But i'm sure after this entry, it's over...and it's not a hypergraphia thing.)

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• I don't know if i'm just really stubborn to change or I just want to do something on my own and show it to the world and be proud of it. Then maybe, I'm just some "minor" who still needs assistance and guidance. oooh! I hate growing up! There are a lot of decisions to be done and they are to be done fast! I can't do fast! I need time to condition. I tend to take things slow. I don't wanna rush these BIG things. As much as I wanna make things conform with my own time and plans, I guess time was not at my hands that time. And maybe, this is not just the time. The initial plan was the three of us together; Jelai, Nang Maane and moi. Jelai backed out since she hasn't passed the boards yet and application is possible but quite a hassle. Another is I just can't give the forms to Nong Don's sister readily. There has been just a lot of delays- my laziness, closed clinic in the morning and another closed clinic one afternoon. It's just the many wonders of life. Life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.It gets you when you are most vulnerable! It gets you when you least expect it. And when it does, I feel like i transform into this gaga monster! Harsh and dysfunctional!

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• Or maybe then, this is karma. I've been bad, for lack of a better term, lately. And I haven't maintained much faith as what it was when I took the boards last year. Maybe this is just another blow. Whatever this is, it made me feel distorted! I feel like I need to take a grasp of things but I can't hold on to anything. It's not that they are going away or won't come to me, but I can't just reach them. I feel them staring at me and just waiting, waiting for me to grasp them and place them in my plans again.

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• That afternoon, I told Nong Don that I'm gonna withdraw my application and send only Nang Maane's. He gave me options but what can I do? That's the order of the man of the house and I was also with him. I was sad and frustrated. I thought this is the end of being a bum. But again, I was wrong! This is the start of bumming up Chapter 2! Right now, I couldn't decide what to do. It's either Vermont or New Mexico. But I haven't taken a step. I haven't even took the seal of my application envelope and pull out the cheque!

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• _
• That night, I went to Kai's house. The royalties were there and we had a "problem conference". Royalties can be problematic too, yah know! So we talked there. It feels so good to take my mind off my own problem and just be a friend for a while. I didn't mind Papa's additional texts about Vermont infos. I cannot take just more that afternoon! THE talk is enough. I understand. Just give me time to breathe.

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• Gosh! Enough of this transitions and coming of ages! I cannot believe I'm saying this, this soon but...being a student is better!!! huhuhu... When will life ever answer my questions?! Sometimes, when i vent out my gibberish trash, i need more than empathetic sighs! I need direct answers and directions, for crying out loud! But I guess I have to figure it out myself, huh?! Life...tsk! Moments like these make me turn on my power song, Just For Today by India Arie. It's the only song that can remind me to calm down.

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• How i wish life is measured by the cornucopia of thoughts and feelings when i get to watch One Tree Hill on TV Tuesdays, the insights that I get from the Tyra Show, the relaxation that i get from listening to old songs and watching my movie downloads, my every hearty laugh, smile or giggle on DH chats, the excitement of online shopping or the joy of having to read another book. Right there and then, I can say that I am living the most fulfilling life!

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• In shorter terms, if life is being a bum, i'm doing far better than great!

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• love and bliss frecklesnoots!

Listening to : Sailing By Christopher Cross