August 19, 2008; 12:41 pm
At my desk
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Just had my lunch. (cough! cough!) hay..i’ve been snoozing all day for 2 days now. I’m sick! Ginapatulog gid ko ya sang neozep. Right now, daw ok na gawa since I’ve switched meds yesterday. I also had my first dose of HPV vaccine yesterday. My flu has improved but I think gasugod na ang cough. nagulpihan lang ko guro since I barely had any rest last week.
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Last Friday I attended my cousin’s wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids (dress#1 and counting…) I remembered 27 dresses while the whole thing was going on. From the look of the groom while the bride is walking to the 27 dresses themselves. it was a nice wedding. Everybody thought we would all cry but thank god the speeches were just light to the ears, and eyes! I for once looovve weddings and I even cry during one. Well, being a drama queen doesn’t come from my experiences but it runs in the entire family blood! Bingit kami tanan, in short.
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It’s really good to see a wedding wherein you really know the couple and had witnessed their relationship even for a short time. Being here in Iloilo doesn’t allow me to spend most of my time with them. But it was my first time to attend a wedding where I really feel close and i really enjoyed my time and not just barely imagining myself as the bride.
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I came home Sunday afternoon just in time to unpack then pack anew for our boracay trip the next day. Nagpuli lang ko di para manghimos. No kidding. That is really the reason why I came home..hehe! I can go with them first trip on Monday galing la pa ko ka himos so nagpuli ko una.
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Boracay was fun! It was also modern and expensive. Hehe.. we were like a bunch of tourists on our oversized sunglasses and flip flops who do not know how to get about the island! Mga manol! The last time I was there was like 6-7 years ago. There was no port and the only way to get to station 2 is to ride a bangka then arrive on the beachfront itself. Now, we rode a fastcraft and arrived on a port where mini vans await to bring you to your destination. We even walked a block since the car can’t pass thru a street going to the beach. Hay, boracay! After 5 hours of travel, gutom2 na kami..hehe! we arrived at around 3:30. Anyways, I had fun with my cousins. Our second cousin from austrailia and his friend also came along with us. Kasadya sang friend ya kay daw na amaze gid sya sa mga little things that is so pinoy. Hehe! And oh! I love my name on aussie accent!! Lingaw gid ko ya sa conversations nila with all the aussie slangs! I just love accents! And one thing I also realized even when I was still in bacolod is that I can’t live without accessories. Daw matunaw ko if can’t wear one. Miskan relo lang na basta may gakabit sa wrist ko and/or my ears and/or my neck..hehe!
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Would you believe una pa ang crocs store sa boracay rather than in Iloilo? Hehe! Sosyal nga isla! Pro indi gid ta to kakadto without a handy parent..hehe..la may ma finance sa aton. Taga hulag mo bayad!
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I got cornrows there. We also went snorkeling. I am really mother nature’s baby ever since so I really, really love the wonders of nature that’s why I’ve always wanted to snorkel. Oh my! I can do that all day! One hour in the water is not enough for me to see those corals and swim with the little fishes. Nami2 gd ya!!! I was afraid at first that the fishes might nibble or bother me pro wala man..it’s as if ur swimming in a giant aquarium. It’s a must try!! Ma extend pa kami tani one day galling la man kaapas ang isa ko ka cousin so puli kami by Wednesday. BITIN!
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A little time off in bacolod and boracay is what’s best for me since I was feeling so alone in the last couple of weeks. It really sank into me when I came home after the 2h reunion. I literally cried to sleep because I was feeling some sort of this madness that I never imagined would hit like this.
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I was in a people-always-leave mode. Alone. Lonely. Subo. I was questioning myself what am I doing why people always leave when I get so attached to them? I know it’s not my fault but I just don’t know why it always happens. Only this time, the leaving is not total. I just feel alone. La ko d upod sa balay and whenever I wanted to go out, sin-o updon ko? Wala gyapon.
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I just missed those times badly when queencie & I are going on reviews while I can still say hello to the rest of the world. Right now, ako naman bilin sa tabtaban. Hehe. Ga-ileskwela sila tanan. Ako ya ga couch potato. At least all of them have companies that is so close to the servien spirit. Ako ya? Yab-ok pirme tubang ko di.
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I just feel nga daw la gid ko ya upod. Wala man may gatxt sa akon. Chat lang eh.. kami ni nang kim last tym halos everyday kag kis-a c flora. The fact that la ko upod mag pa PRC or other professional matters makes me feel more like a “loner”. Feeling ko ako nlng gapangita kun sin-o updon ko. But still, the fact that you’re in doesn’t mean you’re accepted. or you belong. May lain man na cla ya nga world after this. Nagpahagad nlng ko gani kay nang kim last time if they have plans for nclex review kay feeling ko lumutan lang ko d la my masapak sa akon.
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Maybe, just maybe, this is one of the reasons why I don’t want friends to take a second course. So that we could trek the road together?? Ambot. Nag tuhaw mlng sa conscious mind ko one time. Pro indi guro ah. Super evil na ya for me to become possessive. Hehe…it’s really the additional studying that so eew! I love learning but I never liked studying.
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Sometimes I think that what if it’s my time to “leave”? will I be of a greater loss??
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You see, this is why I don’t want to be hard on myself because I can get pretty nasty and I could affect my own esteem. I am a very reflective person but sometimes, its just too much nga ga buangit na ko. I guess I just need some social time and cut off some alone time with me, myself and i.
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As I reflect on this, being alone and left alone is also a reason my I want a boyfriend. It may sound silly for me saying this and I feel silly saying this but I know I want to have one. I am quite confident of my needs, wants and desires and I think a love life is the missing piece. It has been 20 long years pro wala gid gya gyapon. Not even a speck of dust in the whitest paper. I know I’m still young and only time can tell but I’m starting to think that love won’t happen. No one had ever courted nor noticed me. Miskan pabatyag mlng wala gd. Mayo na ya ang iban nga NBSB since ila gd ya decision not to have one even if a queue of boys is waiting. They could really have one. All they have to say is yes. Ako ya? Alone in the dark… alangan mamakal ko laki? Eew. Not that desperate!
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It may seem a joke pro I just want someone who would be my bestest best friend who would never leave. I just want someone who could cheer me up and give me company. Some would say that I have family and friends who would. I know that. But it’s not forever that they could perk me up. And, I just can’t imagine being an old maid and dying a virgin. Hahaha!!
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For so long, I wanted my life to be patterned on movies and novels. I always wanted to be the girl who got the perfect man and live the best life. I wanted “something wonderful.” This made me very idealistic and cynical on almost everything. This might be the reason why at times I refuse to believe that this is how the world goes; this is what love is now as opposed to the medieval times. By know, u have known that I have high standards for life itself that’s why u always caught me complaining. Hehe. I am always envious of people who have found love while I lie blank.
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I am not in a hurry since I have only been ready for only a short time now. But what plays in my mind is the dreaded “what ifs”. What if no one will ever show me love and what it’s all about? What if I’ll never have my perfect man and live the best life? What if there is no “something wonderful”?
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Let’s face the fact that I am unattractive and/or intimidating. And unlucky me, Shallow Hals outnumber Lucas Scotts or Dan Humphreys. I am starting to get hard on myself and I don’t want this to go further. It may seem like my bestfriends are the hotties and I’m the nottie. (you see how movies get to me?! Hehe) No one could blame me for being hard on myself. I am in a worse scenario. I am starting to enter the life of a single woman. Starting with chapter 1—people can’t stop to ask if u have a boyfriend. Chapter 2- always a bridesmaid never a bride. Chapter 3, anyone? Huhu..indi ko ya mag la-on!
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I believe in destiny, soulmates, serendipity and all things love but skeptical as me, will it ever happen in real life? Will my ideals transform into teeny bits of reality?
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People always ask when will the right man come along? as for me, the question remains the same, will just a guy ever come along??
